Stop Faking Orgasms! How "Fauxgasms" Can Ruin Your Sex Life
What’s the point in pretending you’re experiencing The Big O? You're doing yourself and your partner more harm than good. Here’s why you shouldn’t fake orgasms -- and how to start having real ones!
There are so many reasons we fake orgasms:
They’re tired or want to get it “over with.” They’re distracted. They have too much on their minds. They don’t think they’ll get there physically. They’re too shy to express what they want. They don’t want to make their partners “feel bad” that they couldn’t make them cum.
For many of us with lady parts, chances are, we’ve been there. Our machinery is not as straightforward, and it’s not always easy to explain what it is that works for us or we just know it’s not going to happen or it will take a really, really long time to happen.
And there’s also the reality that some women have never actually had an orgasm before.
But what good will it actually do to pretend you’re achieving orgasm?
I’m arguing that it’s actually damaging to your partner and your sex life to fake orgasms.
By faking an orgasm, you’re falsely letting your partner think that whatever it is that they’re doing -- which may not be altogether pleasurable for you -- is good. And guess what? If their behavior and actions are rewarded by a “fauxgasm,” then they’re going to keep repeating whatever they did to lead to what they believe is a pleasurable experience for you.
So, they will never actually learn what truly makes you feel good and can make you climax, thereby dooming you to a sex life that is not as fulfilling as it should be.
If you’ve been faking orgasms with your partner -- stop RIGHT NOW! Try some of these techniques to really make the most of your sex life.
Don’t have sex if you’re actually not in the mood.
We all get tired and stressed out. If you want to have sex, try to get yourself in the right state of mind to relax and feel receptive to pleasure. But if you’re really not feeling it, don’t force yourself to have sex with your partner; simply, don’t feel obliged to do it.
Figure out what you want sexually and what works for you.
One big reason people fake orgasms is because they don’t know what makes them cum. If you don’t even know what brings you to climax, how can you communicate that to your partner(s)? Masturbation is key. When you’re solo and feeling relaxed, experiment with yourself, using your hands and/or any sex toys of your choice. Go wild! Try new sensations, pressures, speeds, temperatures, and areas of stimulation. Once you discover what makes your toes curl and eyes roll back in your head, you’ll be closer to sharing that with your partner.
Let your partner watch you masturbate.
When you figure out your special formula to making yourself cum, show your partner! I find it so hot to watch my partner masturbate (whether they’re male or female). It helps me learn about what they like, the speeds and pressures they enjoy, and what their face and body look like when they’re at different stages of pleasure. This also helps make me a better lover, because it means that I’ll know what reactions to look for when it’s time for me to give them pleasure.
Communicate with your partner.
It’s not as easy for some people to talk about sex openly with their partner, but it’s extremely important to a satisfying sex life.
All of our bodies are different, and we all like different things. There’s no one user manual that works for everyone, so even if your partner has had a lot of experience, it doesn’t mean they know what you like, or exactly what you’re in the mood for at that given moment.
It’s one thing to talk about sex before you get started with playtime (I’ll be writing a whole other blog about that at another time).
But while you’re actually getting physical, you need to give your partner feedback throughout so they know what’s working and what’s not.
Keep in mind, however, that although your partner wants to please you, and would likely appreciate your feedback, be especially sensitive to them with the tone and words you use. They want you to feel good, and they want to know how to please you! And be patient! If they’re not getting it right away, try communicating it again.
If something they’re doing feels good, let your partner know. Saying things like “it feels so good when you lick my clit just like that,” or “I love it when you stroke my cock that way” while they’re in the act is not only the perfect way to guide them as to what feels good, but also makes for some stimulating dirty talk.
If you want more pressure, or you need them to go slower, or faster, or slip a finger in somewhere, gently communicate that to them. If they’re doing something that you really don’t like, be gentle about it and don’t make them feel bad. Maybe guide their hand to show them how you like it instead. Or suggest, “Can you try it like this?” “Can you lick me from side to side?” etc.
And when they start doing what feels good to you, based on your guidance, let them know “yes, that feels so good”, “yes, just like that,” etc.
It might be hard at first, but you’ll get used to it, especially when everything starts to feel really, really good.
Know that the orgasm isn’t the goal – pleasure is.
Take the focus off climaxing, and just focus on the pleasure. Remember the cliché: it’s not about the destination -- it’s about the journey.
By taking pressure off yourself and your partner to achieve an orgasm, you can focus on just pleasing each other and enjoying each other’s bodies. Enjoying these moments and the intimacy between you will also encourage you to experiment with each other and learn more about each other’s reactions and responses.
If an orgasm happens, great. But it doesn’t have to!
Give yourself the real pleasure you deserve -- and be the honest lover your partner deserves!
That’s part of how you can truly become a sex god or goddess.
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