By Casey Carter for ASN Lifestyle Magazine

Fifty Shades of Grey set the world on fire. In a publicly conservative vanilla world, people privately began exploring their fantasies. Blindfolds, spankings, and sexual submission became wildly popular within book clubs around the world as women voraciously read through the Fifty Shades trilogy. The author E.L. James went from self-publishing via eBook and print-on-demand to being a best-selling author (Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy sold over 100 million copies).

There are five books in this series: Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker & Fifty Shades Freed, Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey as Told by Christian, Darker: Fifty Shades Darker as Told by Christian. And let’s not forget how quickly the stories went to film. The Fifty Shades franchise has made over $1B. In other words, the world is filled with wannabe kinksters fascinated by the world of BDSM. However, many of them don’t know where to start or they’re too embarrassed to visit the local toy store or dungeon. Where do you begin when you want to get your freak on? You start with what you have, what we all have… PERVERTIBLES!

What is a Pervertible?

Pervertible is a term originally coined by David Stein to describe ordinary, non-sexual objects; especially everyday household objects, that can be used sexually, particularly in BDSM. In other words, the mallet you use to tenderize meat can also tenderize ass. The zip ties you use to bind cords together can bind hands and feet. Basically, all the tools you need to explore your BDSM fantasies are in your home, The Home Depot, and better yet, your neighborhood dollar store.

I’ve been cultivating my list of pervertibles from every workshop I teach and every conversation I entertain on the subject. It’s opened the mind of many kinksters new and old. To help get you started on your pervertible journey, here are a few of my favorite suggestions, in no particular order.

Wooden Spoons

We’ve all got at least one wooden spoon in our kitchen, and it's good for more than stirring cake mix. In the dungeon, your wooden spoon is comparable to a paddle. It’s good for impact play, specifically spanking. And I bet you didn’t know they come in various shapes and sizes. The ones you get at the dollar store will have a smallish head whereas you can find bigger heads at traditional home goods outlets. A dear friend was kind enough to gift me some that were industrial size and let me say, they leave an industrial mark. I’ve wrapped some of mine just so they don’t splinter or break from use.

Plastic Wrap

Plastic wrap has a variety of uses — mummification, restraint, sensory play, and compression should be enough to get you started. Mummification is just as it sounds. You can create your very own King Tut. (Word of advice though: remember your subject is very much alive so they will need air holes to breathe from.) Once your willing participant is fully wrapped, you’ve got options. Do you leave them alone, in the dark, in silence? Sensory deprivation will most definitely mess with someone’s head. Or, do you tease their senses with hot and cold? This might be a good time to revisit the wooden spoon and test whether the sensation is different under plastic wrap.

Clothespins

In this modern age that we live in, some of you might not know what a clothespin looks like and what it's used for. Before the invention of indoor dryers, people hung their clothes on lines outside of their homes. They used wooden pins to hold them in place on the line. While you may never see an actual outdoor clothesline, clothespins are still widely available, and they are quite delightful to play with.

My favorite clothespin torture is to create a zipper. They hold best on the meaty or fleshy areas. Places where you can pinch the skin. Once you’ve chosen your spot, grab a ribbon, yarn, or a shoelace and clip it along with a pinch of skin. Line up several pins whether horizontally or vertically until you’ve got the length you want. They do bite, so your partner will feel each one as you attach them but at some point, their mind accepts the pain and discomfort and it begins to dull. Now, let the pins just sit there. During this moment, go back for your spoon or vibrator and give their brain a different sensation to think about until… Once you’re ready, grab the end of the ribbon or whatever item you chose for your zipper and let it rip. Whether you rip them off quickly or take your time, the release will flood their mind with an array of sensations. The visual aftereffects look like a zipper.

Rubber Bands

I’m sure we’ve all flicked someone with a rubber band once or twice. We’ve accidentally popped ourselves when the rubber band broke. But what if you had a bag of small rubber bands and you wrapped some around your partners' nipples? How about if you wrapped the base of their breasts? All’s fair in love and war so let’s squeeze some balls with a few bands. Like with the clothespins, the initial sensation has a bite to it. The skin develops heightened sensitivity therefore it will be highly reactive. Utensils are not going to be on this shortlist of pervertibles, but I’m going to give you a suggestion. If you’ve wrapped up a breast at the base, the skin will be taunt. Grab a fork and drag the teeth across the skin a few times. Follow that with an ice cube and then blow on their skin. Grab your wooden spoon again and have at it. If you’re as sadistic as I am, you’ll take extreme pleasure in this torture.

Kayak Oar

I love this one. People see my kayak oar with my name on it and think it’s a marketing prop. Nope. It’s to smack that ass with. What’s great about it is its size. It’s not so big that you can’t travel with it or that someone petite couldn’t work it. The broad end of the paddle is just large enough to make sufficient contact without being too big for a small person’s body. I got my oar on a very popular website. It arrived in a couple of days and it was relatively cheap. I bet all of you kayakers will look at your oar a little differently now.

Food

Food can be an aphrodisiac. Chocolate, strawberries, and oysters are just a few of the more popular ones. Eating these foods is supposed to get you in the mood. Sure, you’ve probably sprayed whipped topping on your lover, maybe even used chocolate syrup on them. And I hope you know there is more than one meaning to “tossing one’s salad.” When I’m speaking of food as a pervertible, I’m thinking of it in the context of “sploshing,” a fetish in which food is a significant part of the sexual experience. It can range from eating food off of your partner’s body to having sex on food. There is no right or wrong way to do it. You may just want to cover your partner’s body with whatever gooey substances you find in the refrigerator or pantry. Your partner may like the feel of the various types of food on their skin. Either way, it’s a win-win. A messy good time that could lead to more fun getting clean.

I bet your first thought was probably about inserting foods into your partner. Yep, that’s certainly a thing. First, I recommend covering whatever you use with a condom. You can’t clean produce enough not to be concerned about bacteria and fungi. Second, sugary items are not friendly to vaginas. They’ve got a delicate pH, and it doesn’t take much to throw things out of whack. Third, and by no means final, take into consideration how easy it might be for the item to break. Not that the E.R. hasn’t seen a spectrum of items inserted into every orifice on the human body, but do you want to be the couple whose story is featured on Sex Sent Me To The ER? 

Twizzlers

In 2019, I did an interview with Sunny Megatron and her husband Ken Melvoin-Berg from American Sex Podcast. I shared my love of pervertibles and that I would be teaching a pervertible workshop all year at various conventions. They gave me the most amazing suggestion — Twizzlers. We laughed about the idea of using candy in a BDSM scene, but I was game because it fit the theme of the workshop. That red candy turned out to be my absolute favorite pervertible. It made for the best demonstrations. Here’s how I conducted the workshop: I gave each volunteer couple three different Twizzlers — traditional, whip, and flat broad noodle. Each receiver got to pick where they wanted the candy to be used, and the giver was left to decide the force with which they wielded their licorice. Who knew Twizzlers had such a big bite? Each had a different sting or thud factor, and each left its mark. The traditional Twizzler left an imprint forensic scientists would love because it was undeniable. And it didn’t matter what your complexion was — you were going to see results.

More, More, More!

I could fill volumes with the many pervertibles and their uses, but my goal here is to get you thinking of your own. Do you now look at the items surrounding you and think, “How can I use this to turn my partner on?” Or, “How much pain can I inflict with this everyday household item?” Better yet, when you’re out in public, what items are around that you can use for a little public foreplay? If you ever find yourself in a sexual rut or, if you feel like you’ve tried everything, explore pervertibles. And if they’re already part of your repertoire, find new ones.

Final Word About Safety

With any extreme sexual scenario that you find yourself engaged in, you should always communicate with your partner beforehand. Have emergency items readily available should things go wrong. They should minimally include safety scissors, towels, and water. (I needed lotion and a bar of soap one time when I couldn’t get out of a pair of handcuffs because the key didn’t work.) Be prepared for something to go wrong because one day it may happen. Have a safe word and constantly check on the receiver to make sure they can breathe and blood is flowing properly. Never assume that if you ask if they are okay and you get a positive response, they are aware of their physical state. The euphoria of sex is a real high and may cause them to be less cognizant of their actual condition.

And now, go have some fun!

This article originally appeared in the October 2020 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine.